Ben and the art of self knowledge........so far
Note from BALANCE.....The following text was submitted some years ago by Kate who used to work in the BALANCE office. It is a story of perseverence and courage from both her and her wonderful horse........BEN. There may be some who read this, who will be encouraged if they are having their own 'problems' with a particular horse. Their story continues and they have a wonderful time together now. Ben will always be a strong minded individual, but through patience, good riding and a dedication to allowing Ben to live his life in a way that does not suppress his spirit, this story has a very happy conclusion. We leave it on the Your Stories page to encourage those of you who may be struggling with a 'challenging horse', that through the lessons they force us to go through they can sometimes be the most rewarding of teachers.
Anyway Kate...........thankyou for your honesty and for sharing Ben's story.
Photograph to left is of Ben!
Ben skipped backwards in a kind of reverse Spanish walk and added a small rear as a final flourish, I laughed aloud and in that moment realised how far we had both come.......
Only a year before the above mentioned, incident, I was scared of this amazing creature who has been part of my life for the last eight years. Seven years into our relationship and we have finally started to understand it. No longer do we skirt around one another, fearful of our similarities, aware of our own weaknesses, terrified to change but wishing things were different. This is Ben’s story…….
Ben and I met when I decided that I needed a ‘proper’ dressage horse. I had always enjoyed competing ‘Zonda’ the wonder horse, who features in BALANCE’s riding book ‘Straight-Forward-Riding’. Zonda and I were best buddies and we trusted each other totally. However, although probably one of the most willing and generous horses on the planet, he is not blessed with the most conducive of conformations for a dressage horse. No matter how well he went, and how hard we both tried, the dressage judges always seemed to favour the big powerful Warm-bloods. Of course, in my mind, this was all that stood between me and an Olympic Gold!!
So, the scene was set when I set out to find a suitable horse to compete at higher levels.
Having tried a few well-schooled horses who had already demonstrated a talent and eagerness to partake in this game we call ‘dressage’, my eyes fell upon Ben. He was (is) a Swedish Warm-blood who looks more Welsh than Swedish and he is on the small side. However, he has an enormous presence and a beautiful face. I will try to find a photograph of him to go with this text.
I was enchanted by him and barely took on board that when the groom rode him she could hardly muster a trot and nor could I. Neither did I consider that there could be a reason for his price being somewhat low for a horse of his breeding? From the few grudging steps of trot that I had seen and felt, I knew he was a talented athlete and so in that very special knowledge known as ‘blind ignorance’ I decided I wanted him. I was convinced that once I had him home and gave him a comfortable saddle, a wonderful lifestyle, lots of love etc. etc. he would be ever so grateful and be transformed into the dressage horse of my dreams.
Once I got him home, I quickly realised that Ben was not easily impressed by anything and certainly never grateful.
Far from being my dream horse, he challenged me on every level (of course, if he could write his own story, he may well say the same of me!).
The first day I rode him at home, he reared and I, taken by surprise, because in my dreamy imaginings I was at that moment entering the arena in my Olympic bid for Gold, slid inelegantly over his tail and landed on the floor.
From then on, each time I rode him we seemed to go into battle. Sometimes he would walk, sometimes he would even break into a trot, other days I couldn't even make it down to the arena and often he stood planted by the gate for what seemed like hours. I have never been willing or able to beat a horse or use gadgets to force them into submission so Ben was never treated badly for his behaviour. He would come back from the arena looking pretty cool and in control. I, on the other hand became frustrated, confused, and depressed. It wasn't supposed to be like this, although looking back everything was going perfectly according to plan!
Over the course of the next 5 or so years, I grew more and more scared of Ben, he was dominant, frequently unrideable and not always easy to handle on the ground. There were times when his behaviour bordered on aggressive and I couldn't get him out of his stable. He kicked several people and would threaten me if I tried to lunge him. My confidence was diminished, my mood for the day depended on how he had behaved, I felt alone and as though somehow it was my fault.
I ought to add that thorough investigations were made with Vets, Osteopaths etc., to ensure that there was no physical discomfort associated with being ridden, so I knew that this was not a factor. I also sought the help of Radionics, Animal Communicators, Natural Horsemanship, anything that might help us make some headway. All made some contribution but nothing seemed to "solve" the problems I was experiencing with this unhappy, bright but complicated little soul.
I was waiting for him to change, he, I now believe, was waiting for me to change before committing to his role.
Ben was in control of me. Our first step on the road to recovery, was when I decided that it didn't matter if I never rode him, he could just be a field horse. This was enormous decision for me, as I felt like I was admitting defeat and that I was a failure, but these feelings were also combined with a huge sense of relief.
I found another horse in a bid to be able to get on and compete and take the pressure off the idea of having to ride Ben. This is Orlando, who has his own story to tell.
So, Ben and I just kind of ignored each other for a while, I cared for him but let him be. After a while, we became interested in each other again. He seemed to want to interact and I gradually started to ride him again, we came to an understanding and enjoyed some wonderful rides together. The relationship was still tense and Ben certainly held all the cards. I was grateful if he gave me anything, I never pushed him because if I tried he would react, sometimes violently, I was still scared, so he trained me to become satisfied with not much!
I later realised that he wasn’t enjoying that dominant role and was desperately looking to me for guidance, but I wasn't in a strong enough place to deal with his challenges, and so the partnership wobbled along over many months.
During all of these years, I have been working on my self. Trying to identify and change negative beliefs and habits. It has been a hard road, but it dawned on me one day that it was when I had had a breakthrough with the workings of my own mind and body that Ben became interested in working with me. If I got stuck or took a back-wards step, he didn’t want to know.
So it was that the first inklings of what was possible became apparent. I started to become less scared, I started to understand my wonderful horse and could therefore ask a little more and with help and encouragement from people on the ground. His real talents started to show themselves and I started to understand that I was actually scared of the unknown, I was assuming that I knew what would happen if I demanded anything from him, how arrogant of me!
One of my biggest breakthrough’s was the day I chose to stop taking his actions personally, it was tough going but I had to remain detached and learn to respond rather than react.
Ben is an incredibly well balanced horse of huge self-preservation and I figured that so long as I stayed with him I wasn't going to hurt myself. He would make a wonderful stunt horse because he seems almost as well balanced on two legs as on four! One day while I was sitting, poised, about 10ft in the air waiting for Ben to descend back to earth I got so fed up (I had gone beyond being scared by this time and moved into boredom) I just reached forward and tapped him on the ear with my fingers whilst telling him he was a very naughty boy (or words to that effect!!!) He was so shocked, appalled and seemingly embarrassed by this that he immediately came down to the ground. I have to admit that after several years of being flung around by this horse, it gave me a great sense of satisfaction to have him respond so quickly to something I had done. With this in mind I felt like John Wayne as I rode around, hand poised for another quick slap, all the while muttering …come on Ben……make my day! Typical of Ben, he only did it a couple more times, just to check that he hadn’t imagined that I had had the affrontary to tap his ear, and then he simply stopped rearing! It’s not necessarily a method I would recommend and it certainly does not appear in many equitation manuals. However, it worked for us!
Once we had got this particular method of resistance out of the way, we were able to progress at a much greater pace!
It’s 8 years since Ben and I first met. We can now do more and more together, daring to put ourselves in different situations, pushing the boundaries of our partnership. Each step feels like a steep learning curve. Situations present themselves and I have a choice, I can recoil and stay where I am or I can see each challenge as a step toward self knowledge and increased self belief.
It is no mistake that Ben came into my life, however hard it is I can at last see how important he is in my journey, we are entwined in our strengths, our fears, our goals. He reflects me perfectly, its just that I am not always happy to look in the mirror!! But if I deign to, I can see my next step, the next hurdle to conquer, in a way that affects all aspects of my life. Ben is my barometer when it comes to my own personal growth. It’s almost as if he gives a score each time I ride him! When I am positive and willing to keep taking steps, even if small, along my own life path, he is very happy to co-operate. However, he has no interest in ‘playing’ with me when I go through periods of self-doubt or resistance!
All through my journey I have been learning through my association with the BALANCE organisation. Many people have helped me over the years but I also had to learn that I had to do the work, had to make the changes and had to confront my fears and insecurities. I am blessed with having some wonderful human teachers but best of all, I have three splendid equine teachers at home. They all have their own lessons to teach me because they are all very different in they way they deal with life and between them, they form a unique network that pushes me every day to be the best I can be.
I few days before I wrote this, I took Ben to a dressage competition. Our first outing for a long time. He was a star and won his first class. Despite being made to wait for longer than is ideal, he started his second class with great aplomb getting 7’s and 8’s before having a small panic attack when I asked for canter. In the past, I might have gone home disappointed, allowing this little slip to dominate the day and make me feel that we had let each other down, but instead, I came home feeling very proud because he and I held it together and completed our test in a dignified way. The judge was very complementary. It’s another important milestone on our journey together.
It seems to me that the door that opens when you start to make the effort to understand the needs of the ridden horse, leads to a labyrinth of pathways, passages and the occasional dead end, from which you learn to extricate yourself quickly and move on!
In becoming more concious of the role that our equine partners play in our lives, and in committing to learning how best to support their (and our own) life purpose, happiness and well-being we find that we open ourselves up to a life of learning, loving and being.
Kate
FOOTNOTE from Lesley in the BALANCE office
When Kate wrote the piece above, she was still working as the In-House saddle consultant at the BALANCE office in the UK. She worked with horse owners from all around the world via the BALANCE Distant Consultation process and helped to support many amazing transformations.
Most people contact BALANCE to get information about saddles but many go away with far more than this.
Kate has now relocated towards the East side of England with her horses. She and Ben have continued to learn from each other and have a fantastic relationship. We keep in touch and are so glad that she was involved with BALANCE for so many years.
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